How to Sext: The Basics for Sexy Text Messaging

Eggplant icon on phone, representing sexting.
Sexting, aka sending sexy texts, can be a fun way to connect with your partner when you're apart, but you need to know a few things before you start. You can't just drop a dick pic to an unsuspecting recipient. We've compiled our tips for sexting so you can do it safely.

How to start sexting: Get consent first

If you were going to have in-person sex with someone for the first time, you wouldn't do it without getting a firm "yes" from them. The same thing applies for sexting. Before you even think about sending nudes or asking someone to share their fantasies, you have to have consent. You need consent whenever you meet someone new or want to engage in a new sexual activity that you haven't engaged in before. (And you need continual consent. Just because you've gotten a yes before doesn't mean it's a permanent yes. Consent can be taken away at any time.)

We've all heard the stories in the news about famous people sending unsolicited sexts and nudes. This is a form of sexual harassment and can result in psychological harm for the victim. For the person sending the unsolicited sexts, this can result in job loss, lawsuits and even criminal charges.

Since it can be harder to interpret intent via text vs. in person, be clear and specific in what you are asking to do before using any sexy innuendos. Asking things like "do you like to have dirty talk via texts?" or "Are you comfortable with online sexting" allows the person on the other side to give you a firm "yes" or "no" answer.

You also need to ask if the person is open to receiving and sending sexy photos or nudes. Some people do not want to have racy photos of themselves on their own devices, let alone someone else's. Others just have no interest in this type of interaction. Regardless of their reasons, they don't owe you an explanation so do not pressure them.

I have consent to sext, now what?

Once you have consent, it's time to get busy. If it's your first time sexting or first time sexting someone new, there are a few tips and ideas to consider:

Establish your platforms - There are many different platforms that you can use for sexting or talking dirty. Setting boundaries with where you and your partner are going to chat is key. The last thing you would want is to get frisky on a shared account or if your partner's parents or friends frequently flip through their texts. Whether it's Snapchat, Instagram DMs, phone texting, or some combination, do whatever works for you!

Start with the basics - Tell your partner how hot you think they are. Ask them what they're wearing. Say what you'd do to one another if you were together. Start with things that build the conversation rather than going full-blown erotica from the get-go.

Be reciprocal - Sexting shouldn't feel like an interview. After your partner replies to your sexts, give some details back. Make them feel like they want to go deeper and ask you questions, too.

Bring in the visuals - if you've agreed to share photos, start with sending sexy pictures that don't show any genitals. Think of it like visual foreplay. Wait to send nudes until after the teasers.

Be descriptive - if you're actively masturbating while sexting, describe it to your partner. Let them know if you are using a vibrator and/or lube.

Don't ghost the conversation - if you've agreed to sext and someone asks an intimate question or shares an intimate detail, they've put themselves out there and may be feeling vulnerable. A prompt response would probably put their mind at ease and keep the fun going. But if you start to feel uncomfortable sexting (or don't want to participate in a particular type of sexting), you absolutely have the right to say you're done. Consent can be taken away at any point.

Make sure there is closure -End the sexting conversation with something like "that was fun" or "I enjoyed this, let's do it again sometime" gives a clear end point to the sext conversation. That way, if you need to pivot to talking about everyday things like "what do you want for dinner?" and you really are talking about food, the other person doesn't think you're talking about eating sushi off their naked body...though, that could be pretty fun to roll with.

How to take sexting to the next level

Ok, so let's say you've established boundaries and you've been sexting for a while now, but your conversation is starting to feel a little stale. Or maybe you're in a long-distance relationship and sexting is not the greatest substitute for the real thing. These feelings are normal. It's challenging to convey tone and nuance in a text, and it's hard for the digital touch to replace the physical touch. Here are some ways to take sexting to the next level:

Spice up something mundane - Tell your partner you're doing the laundry and say how you'd like to ride them on the washing machine. Say you're about to take a shower and you wish your partner was there.

Roleplay - Create your own alter egos and play out your fantasies like you're someone else. This can open up possibilities for the conversation to evolve and expand into areas that aren't as realistic if it's based on your own life. Think of it like writing an erotic screenplay in realtime.

Make it a game - Playing sexy "Would you rather" or "Never have I ever" can spark different paths in your conversation and can allow you to learn new things about one another.

Create a love language through emojis - Emojis are staples of regular text message conversations, so why not create your own emoji codes through sexts? Go beyond the eggplants and peaches - maybe for you the ice cream emoji means oral sex.

Throw it back to a memory - Ask "remember that time when..." Maybe it's something your partner wore or a sexual adventure you had together. Remind each other of that moment, how it felt, and how much you want to experience it again.

Travel the world - Pick a location and find a sexy attraction. Maybe it's a mountain top, maybe it's a beach, maybe it's a hot tub in the woods. Talk about going there and what you would do. Hey, this might even spark inspiration for your next romantic getaway.

Whether you're a newbie or are on chapter 10 of your own erotic text message diary, the ways to sext are limitless and unique to you. Make Trojan part of the fun with sex toys designed to enhance your pleasure so you and your partner can sext like a pro.